A challenge of sorts. Just two pages. “Two pages about us,” he said. I’m so glad he did. I dabbled in expressing our relationship or my feelings for Lamont from time to time in a card or a poem. Despite putting us into words being an impossible feat, I want to try. It is time to try. It is time to write just two pages.
Girls want to be pursued. I remember a few grade school pursuits with the boy practically begging, but needy has never been attractive. Funny how we see things so much clearer in hindsight 20/20 vision. I cut a number of relationships short, extremely short, because something just wasn’t quite right. What wasn’t quite right? I didn’t know. Just wasn’t. Now, I know that my soul knew that in some way or another the person needed me for something I was unwilling to give.
Enter Lamont. The first encounter was organic, nothing felt forced. He simply wanted to know a little about me, and he was simply him. Time passed. His pursuit was different. I never got any inclination that he needed me, but there was always an occasional reminder that he was still interested. He wanted to know the truth about me, and I wanted to know the truth about him. I liked him. Like sounds simple enough, but I didn’t have that for many people. I care about so many people, but that is not the same as like. I liked liking him. I simply liked being with him, doing a little of nothing.
He told me things, but I’m a watcher. I’ve always been a watcher, always looking for idiosyncrasies. Just like I do with anyone, I watched. No expectations, good or bad. I wasn’t looking for it, but suddenly, I saw it. I saw it behind crooked, tape repaired glasses. It made me smile. I liked it. I loved it. It slowly lit up as if it had its own dimmer switch and a thermostat set on warm. It wasn’t for me yet, but he let me see it. It was a pure passion that was so innocent, and at that moment, it had his undivided attention. How different my life would be if I had not recognized it when I saw it. I had never seen it quite this way before. It was an unbridled love for something other than self, and it was a gift placed in him by God. It didn’t need me. It was shining so brightly all on its own, but for the very first time, I felt in my heart that if he needed me to help it shine, I was undoubtedly willing. It was worth it. I finally caught a glimpse of something that was worth it, and then, he went away. But I never forgot what I saw.
Turn the page.
Lamont came back. I was glad to find he was still interested, but admittedly, I was afraid because I never forgot what I saw. A responsibility came with what I saw, and I was willing, but was I prepared to risk him not finding the same within me? With all of my flaws and shortcomings, would he see that one thing in me that he could value and want to see shine? I knew that I had what I had seen in him, but would he see it? Forget fear. It was worth the risk.
I showed up, and I never left. Honestly, I never left. It was as natural as breathing. I liked him. I loved him. It was quite right. Yet, I never forgot what I saw. I liked what I saw. I loved what I saw.
Lamont had all kinds of expectations placed on his life. I am so grateful that I was able to see what I saw before he became burdened down by the expectations of others and by the expectations he created for himself. He has encountered and continues to encounter many who see it. Some don’t know quite what to make of it, but they recognize it to be something special. Some want to control it for themselves or direct its light in the direction of their choosing. I never want to change that special gift that God has given him. I could never keep his gift to myself. I just want him to let it shine for all to see. Man cannot control such a gift. Ultimately, only God can determine how brightly his gifts should shine. Lamont’s gift does not need me. It is perfect already. God made it that way. I am blessed and honored that Lamont has chosen me and trusts me to remind him that his gift is remarkably beautiful. I am here to remind him not to allow the misguided expectations of others or even himself to bury his brilliance. The only expectations that God and I have for him is to be exactly who he was created to be. Nothing more. Nothing less. I need him to be. He is far too beautiful not to be. I am here to remind him to carry his gift with humility and confidence for he was chosen to carry it by the God of the entire universe. I see the uncertainty in his eyes from time to time, but I am here to remind him that he is free to be. With me, he is free to be.
He sees the uncertainty in my eyes from time to time, and he reminds me that with him I am also free to be. Simply by requesting two pages. Free indeed. I like him. I love him.